Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
