her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
