Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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