How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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