New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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