I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
