I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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