I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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