I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
