I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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