I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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