I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
