I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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