I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
