i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
