the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
