Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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