He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just blew my weed a kiss
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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