"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
