never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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