theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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