Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize