I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
