fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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