What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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