hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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