My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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