I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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