woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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