I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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