My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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