And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
