I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
