I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
