I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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