Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
pop tarts are not kleenex
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
