There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
