Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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