Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
