if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
