I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
