Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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