Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
