That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
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