please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
