i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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