so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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