im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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