Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
