So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
