Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
