was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
