i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
