Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
