and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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