Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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