Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
